


The Long Way Round

by Phoenix_Soar



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Abuse Of Feels, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Domestic, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Soar/pseuds/Phoenix_Soar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Kyuhyun had thought was so right had led to all the wrongs in his life. It takes Kyuhyun and Jongwoon the long way round to come together...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Past Comes Knocking

**Author's Note:**

> A story slightly inspired by a KyuSung fan's prompt for a domestic fic - but this one took a wild wrong turn away from that at some point.

He comes in the middle of the night, without notice.  
  
Kyuhyun is shaken awake from his dreamless sleep by small hands and an urgent shrill voice desperately calling for him, ‘Appa! Appa,  _please_!’  
  
His eyes snap open, wild and disoriented from the suddenness. It takes a moment to recognize the scared dark eyes staring into his own through the gloom of his bedroom.  
  
‘Jihyun?’ He quickly sits up, sleep disappearing almost instantaneously at the sight of his daughter’s terror. He gathers up the little girl in his arms. She is trembling, her lips parted in a whimper. ‘Hush, baby. What’s wrong?’  
  
‘Appa …’ Her hands fist into the front of his baggy shirt. ‘I - I heard the b-bell ... S-someone’s out … there…’  
  
Alarmed, Kyuhyun looks round at the window to which his daughter points a shaking hand. It is raining heavily; the storm from earlier still has not stopped. Placing Jihyun on the bed, he slips out of his covers and hurries over to peer down at the front lawn of his little house. It is almost pitch black outside, the streetlamp on the other side of the street doing nothing much in the fierce storm raging outside.  
  
Then lightening rips through the angry skies and Kyuhyun sees what has terrified his daughter so. Down there on his front porch is a lone figure of a man. It is impossible to make out who his is.  
  
However, next moment, a shrill ring sounds out through the house. Kyuhyun exhales. Whoever it is, it is clearly not a burglar.  
  
Burglars do not ring doorbells.  
  


~***~  
  


He leaves Jihyun at the foot of the stairs with the admonition to stay hidden unless he calls for her. Grabbing the largest umbrella he owns, he hurries to the door and peers through the peephole. The person is still there, barely silhouetted against the light from the streetlamp. His face, however, is hidden in the shadows of his hooded tee.   
  
The doorbell rings again.  
  
Kyuhyun takes a deep breath, tightens his hand around the umbrella, and opens the door partly.  
  
The sound of falling raindrops magnifies tenfold.  
  
‘Who are you?’ He asks over the noise, keeping his voice guarded and strong. He holds the umbrella in front of him, as if it were a sword, the end pointing threateningly at the man on his doorstep. ‘What do you want at this time of night?’  
  
The hooded man stays silent for a moment, and then lifts his chin up so that the faint light from inside Kyuhyun’s doorway falls upon a pair of full lips turned slightly up at the corners. Kyuhyun’s breath catches in his throat and his eyes widen. He can recognise those lips anywhere; he knows them, the look of them, the feel and taste of them...  
  
‘Is this really how you greet me after five years, Kyuhyun-ah?’  
  
Kyuhyun swallows, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He knows that voice too, has heard it whisper, low and raspy, into his ears so many times...  
  
‘Jongwoon hyung...’  
  
  


~***~  
  


‘Your place is nice,’ comments Jongwoon twenty minutes later. He is dressed in the dry clothes that Kyuhyun had dug up from his closet, and nursing a hot mug of tea in his hand. He walks leisurely around the small living room, interestedly taking in the numerous books and music CDs Kyuhyun had stacked into his bookshelves.   
  
Kyuhyun says nothing, just remains perched on the arm of his sofa as he warily watches his guest. His hair is longer again, he notes, staring at the black strands of damp shaggy hair falling onto the nape of Jongwoon’s neck. Last time he saw Jongwoon on television a few months ago, it had been brown and at least a couple of inches shorter.  
  
Last time he saw him with his own naked eyes, the hair had been short and fuzzy; the haircut of a military man.  
  
Jongwoon turns and catches him staring. He smiles. ‘Why are you looking so much?’  
  
‘Shouldn’t I be?’ Kyuhyun retorts. He sighs wearily. ‘Why are you here, hyung? It’s the middle of the night.’  
  
‘I would’ve reached here at a godlier hour if my car hadn’t broken down a few hours ago,’ replies Jongwoon conversationally with an amiable shrug. ‘I’m sorry for disturbing your sleep.’  
  
‘But why are you here?’ snaps Kyuhyun, finally losing patience.   
  
Jongwoon looks a little shocked, and then schools his face to neutral. ‘It’s been five years, Kyuhyun. Aren’t you the least bit happy to see me?’  
  
‘Exactly, it’s been five years,’ says Kyuhyun more bitterly than he means to. ‘Why would you want to see me at all?’  
  
Jongwoon crocks an eyebrow, the last of the good humour vanishing from his eyes. ‘I suppose that is the difference between us...’  
  
Silence reigns between them, cold and heavy. Kyuhyun avoids the other’s eyes, angry and frustrated. Deep inside, he thinks he can feel the coils of guilt unwinding within him. Jongwoon watches him with sad, hollow eyes before glancing away. He stills, looking surprised for a moment, then breaks into a smile.  
  
‘Hello,’ he says gently. Kyuhyun looks up and sees Jihyun peeking into the living room through the door he left ajar. At Jongwoon’s greeting, she shrinks a little, her eyes afraid and wary. Jongwoon sits down on an armchair and continues to smile encouragingly at her, and after a moment, she edges a little more into the room.  
  
‘You’re Jihyun, aren’t you?’ Jongwoon prompts, holding a friendly hand out. Kyuhyun gapes at him, surprised that he remembers the name. ‘I’m a friend of your father, don’t be afraid.’  
  
Jihyun hesitates and looks at her father for approval. Kyuhyun frowns a little.  
  
‘Jihyun-ah, I told you to stay -’  
  
‘Won’t you let me meet your daughter even?’ asks Jongwoon very quietly.  
  
Kyuhyun stops, unable to look the older man in the eyes. After a moment, he holds out an arm. ‘Come here, love.’   
  
Jihyun hesitantly steps forward until she is standing beside her father, looking up at Jongwoon with nervous curiosity through long eyelashes. ‘Jihyun, this is a hyung of mine; he’s an old friend. Go on, introduce yourself. Remember your manners.’  
  
Very shyly, Jihyun slips her hand into Jongwoon’s outstretched one. ‘Hello, ahjussi. I am Cho Jihyun.’  
  
Jongwoon grins, shaking her little hand. ‘Hello, Jihyun-ssi. My name is Kim Jongwoon.’  
  
With a little blush, she quickly slips her hand back and shrinks into her father’s embrace. There is a hint of a smile on her face, however, and the wariness has lessened from her eyes.  
  
Jongwoon chuckles. ‘You have a beautiful daughter, Kyuhyun-ah.’  
  
Kyuhyun smiles a little, brushing his lips against her hair, before gently pushing her towards the door. ‘Up to bed now, it’s very late.’ Jihyun looks back uncertainly and Kyuhyun smiles reassuringly at her. ‘I’ll be there soon, OK? Go and sleep now.’  
  
She nods and, with one last look at their guest, patters out of the living room, leaving Kyuhyun alone with Jongwoon. When he looks around at the older man again, he finds Jongwoon smiling almost fondly at him. Kyuhyun feels his heart jump suddenly and his mouth goes dry. He has seen those eyes before, warm and brown and filled with endearing affection. He draws away a little, biting his lip.  
  
‘What...?’  
  
‘I’ve never seen you like this,’ murmurs Jongwoon, still gazing at him with those eyes. ‘It suits you, somehow...’  
  
Kyuhyun grits his teeth, feeling his temper flaring. ‘Are you making fun of me, hyung?’ he hisses.  
  
Jongwoon blinks, smile falling off his face. ‘What? No.’  
  
‘Then - then - just why?’ Kyuhyun is on his feet now, pacing back and forth in front of the sofa. ‘What are you doing here after all this time? How did you find me? Why did you find me? What did you expect would happen after you came? Did you think that we would just go back to being -?!’  
  
‘What?’ asks Jongwoon lowly. ‘Go back to being  _what_ , Kyuhyun?’  
  
Kyuhyun says nothing and just glares at the carpet.  
  
‘Exactly.’ Jongwoon stands up as well, placing his mug on the coffee table. He looks at Kyuhyun with expressionless eyes. ‘There never was anything for us to go back to, was there? You made sure of that.’  
  
Kyuhyun looks up, stung and furious, but Jongwoon holds up a hand.  
  
‘I didn’t come here with some ulterior motive, Kyuhyun. I just wanted to see you, check on how you were doing. See your daughter because you never introduced her to us. But I can see now it was a mistake. You have clearly put me - Super Junior - everything behind you.’  
  
Kyuhyun feels a lump in his throat; there is an annoying stinging at the corner of his eyes and he is finding it hard to breathe again. He wants to scream at Jongwoon, throw things at him, push him out of his house again. And yet, there is a part of him that wants to fling himself into his arms, cling to him and cry on his shoulder and have Jongwoon hold him like how he used to once, long ago.  
  
The silence continues, the storm still raging outside, and Jongwoon is still looking at him, his eyes piercing and intense like always. Age has slowly started to show on his face: there are tiny crinkles at the corner of his eyes and the turn of his mouth, yet he looks as beautiful as he has always done.  
  
Perhaps even more, or that may be due to the long absence.  
  
Finally, Kyuhyun finds his voice.  
  
‘I’ll prepare the guest room for you. But in the morning, please hyung ... just leave.’  
  


~***~  
  


‘Appa...’   
  
Jihyun is still awake and sitting up on Kyuhyun’s bed when he enters his room. He looks down at her, rousing himself from the memory of how Jongwoon had looked back at him as he closed the guest room door. It still sends a shiver down his spine.  
  
‘You should be sleeping you know,’ he chastises her with a little smile. When Jihyun continues to stare with big eyes, he ruffles her hair and slips into bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms. ‘Everything’s fine, OK...? There’s nothing to be afraid of.’  
  
‘That ahjussi ...’ she murmurs.  
  
‘A very old friend of Appa. He had some trouble with his car, so I’m letting him sleep here tonight. He’ll be gone tomorrow.’  
  
He had spoken reassuringly, but Jihyu frowns to his surprise. ‘Tomorrow...?’ she repeats slowly in a tone that implies she does not like the thought.  
  
‘Yes ... What’s wrong, Hyunnie?’  
  
‘I like him,’ Jihyun says decisively, a sudden bright smile on her face. Kyuhyun gapes at her. ‘Ahjussi is nice. He likes Appa.’  
  
Somehow, her innocent words have his heart clenching painfully in his chest.   
  
‘Mm. Go to sleep now.’  
  
They fall quiet after that and it is not long before Jihyun’s breathing evens out, her eyes closed peacefully. Kyuhyun arranges a few pillows around her and then turns to lie on his side, facing the window. He watches the rivulets of water running down the pane, the sound of the storm now muffled.   
  
Thirty minutes later, he is on the windowsill, knees drawn up to his chest. He thinks of Jongwoon in the room across the hallway and he wonders if he is awake as well. Is he also thinking of Kyuhyun? How does Jongwoon see him still? As an old friend, colleague and dongsaeng? Or a traitor that walked out on his brothers?  
  
Or does he see Kyuhyun as the man who had dragged him into sin, and then betrayed him?  
  
Kyuhyun bites down on his knuckles, forcing away the tears threatening to burst out. He hates it that Jongwoon is here, invading his life again when he had taken the pains to walk out of Jongwoon’s. He has gotten used to the monotony, the routine that is his life now. His daughter is the one piece of shimmering light he has, the radiance to all the gloom surrounding him, and she is all he needs. She is what his life is all about now. He does not need Jongwoon here to mess it up and throw it all out of balance again.   
  
He does not need Jongwoon just fifteen yards away from him, making his heart quiver and awakening dormant forbidden feelings he had chosen to put aside so long ago.  
  
There is no place in this world for what they had once wanted to share between them.  
  


~***~  
  


Somehow, even before Jongwoon says so, Kyuhyun knows.  
  
Of course, he does. Life has not been so good to him the past several years. Why would it change its mind now and actually  _let_  Jongwoon leave in the morning like Kyuhyun wanted him to, when it could drag out Jongwoon’s stay in Kyuhyun’s house?  
  
Jongwoon’s eyes are apologetic as he lowers his phone. ‘I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah. I called the tow service and they finally managed to get to my car, but the people at the garage said it will take a few days to get it repaired.’  
  
The only answer is a cold grunt as Kyuhyun continues to slave away over the stove, getting breakfast ready. He is running late; he had slept through his alarm thanks to lack of sleep (actually, he can just pin the whole blame on Jongwoon; bastard just  _had_  to come barging in out of nowhere at one in the freaking morning!) and currently, he barely has enough time to feed Jihyun - and his unexpected guest - get ready, drop Jihyun off at the day-care and make it to work on time.  
  
Jongwoon’s hand suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes the saucepan from him. ‘Let me deal with that.’  
  
‘I don’t need -’ Kyuhyun falls silent at the look on Jongwoon’s face. It brings about a bout of nostalgia, that  _obey-your-hyung-for-once-would-you-you-spoilt-brat_  stare Jongwoon is shooting at him. Kyuhyun has not seen that expression since his Super Junior days.  
  
‘It’s obvious you’re in a rush. I won’t have you be late because of me; I’ve already troubled you enough.’ Jongwoon smiles suddenly and adds, ‘And don’t worry, I won’t burn anything. I actually do know how to cook a bit now.’  
  
Kyuhyun’s legs still refuse to move, but then his eyes land on the clock and he gives up thinking and dashes out of the kitchen, throwing a quick shout to Jihyun to finish her breakfast by the time he’s ready. For the next ten minutes, he dashes back and forth between the bathroom and his bedroom, throwing on his work clothes, gathering his papers into his briefcase and packing everything Jihyun needs for her day-care. He rushes back to the kitchen in record time, but stops dead just outside the door, hearing voices inside.  
  
‘- but then I had to give them away because they grew too big.’  
  
‘What were their names, ahjussi?’  
  
‘Ddangkoma, Ddangkoming and Ddangkomaeng. Here, see, I still have pictures of them.’  
  
‘... Ooh! I want to keep turtles, too!’  
  
A familiar bark of laughter. ‘They’re quite cute, aren’t they? And look, here’s a picture of my dogs, Kkoming and Melo. They’re quite old by now, though.’  
  
‘I like Melo!’  
  
‘Really? Do you want to keep dogs, too?’  
  
‘Appa won’t let me.’  
  
‘Oh? Did he say why not?’  
  
‘Appa said keeping pets is ex - exp ... ex ...’  
  
‘Ex ... pensive?’  
  
Clearing his throat loudly, Kyuhyun strides inside. Jihyun jumps a little, looking startled. Meanwhile, Jongwoon looks thoughtfully at his dongsaeng, almost as if sizing him up. Kyuhyun tries not to show how uncomfortable that makes him feel.  
  
‘Finished eating, Hyunnie? Let’s go.’  
  
‘Yeah! And look, Appa, ahjussi just showed me his turtles. They're so cute! Look, look! Show him your turtles, ah -’  
  
‘I’ve already seen enough of them to last me a lifetime, Jihyun, now hurry up. We’ll be late!’  
  
Jihyun’s excited chatter fades at Kyuhyun’s sharp tone. Pushing away her bowl, she quickly slips off her chair and runs to pull on her shoes, hiding her face from him.  
  
Jongwoon is now openly frowning at Kyuhyun, who again feels the stirring of guilt somewhere around his navel. He busies himself with moving the dirty dishes to the sink, noting with some surprise that Jongwoon really had not burnt any of the food. (Not that Kyuhyun is one to talk; it took him years to master the art of making edible ramyun even).  
  
Jongwoon approaches him again as Kyuhyun turns to leave.  
  
‘I’m sorry, hyung, but I’m seriously running late -’  
  
‘Go to work then. Let me take Jihyun to the day-care.’  
  
That stops Kyuhyun in his tracks. He whips around and stares in disbelief at the older man.  
  
‘I saw the place when I came here last night,’ he explains with a smile. ‘This town isn’t very big. I’m sure I can find it easily again.’  
  
‘That’s ... that’s not ...’ Kyuhyun shakes his head, taking a calming breath. ‘Look, hyung, I don’t need any favours -’  
  
‘Well, get used to it for the next couple of days. I’m not going to intrude on your hospitality without doing at least a few things for you,’ replies Jongwoon, looking seriously at him.   
  
They glare stubbornly at each other, neither backing down. Kyuhyun thinks back to what Jongwoon said earlier, about his car needing a few days to be repaired. There is a small part of him that is urging him to throw Jongwoon out anyway - he came without invitation or warning; he can just go and stay at a hotel if he damn pleases - but the thought dies before it is even fully formed.  
  
Of course Kyuhyun will never stoop that low. His distress at Jongwoon’s appearance does not mean he will not even offer the man shelter until he can leave.   
  
(Besides, Jongwoon is being polite now, but Kyuhyun knows from experience that if provoked hard enough, Jongwoon can become quite aggressive. Kyuhyun is no fool; broken down car or not, he knows that his hyung is determined to stay anyway. They have both always been headstrong men.  
  
And honestly, it is not as if Kyuhyun cannot trust Jongwoon to look after his little girl.)  
  
They finally part ways with Kyuhyun handing Jongwoon a double of the house key before getting into his car. Jihyun, nestled in Jongwoon’s arms, waves energetically at him and calls goodbye. Surprisingly, she had not been very upset at the news that it will not be her father taking her to the day-care today. It leads Kyuhyun to wonder whether how the two of them had managed to bond so quickly over their short breakfast in his absence.  
  
What nearly makes him floor the wrong pedal, though, is the genuine smile Jongwoon gives him and his parting words,   
  
‘We’ll be waiting, Kyu.’  
  


~***~  
  


‘What’s the matter with you, Cho? Answer your goddamn phone!’  
  
Kyuhyun jumps in his swivelling computer chair at the yell of his next-cubicle-neighbour, who is glaring down at him from over the partitioning. Muttering an apology, he quickly snatches up the receiver, listens to the complaints of Ms Managing Director about how her computer is refusing to switch on and  _get your ass in here on the double and fix the damn thing_ , and wearily gets up to do just that.  
  
Working in IT is pretty routine and boring, just like the rest of his life has been for the past few years. It is something he has accepted and gotten over, though. Despite having to deal with technologically-challenged idiots on a daily basis, his current job earns him enough to live comfortably and raise a child, and Kyuhyun is just fine with that.  
  
But now, he is finding himself reminiscing about times long gone, a past that will never come back. A past where every day was an adrenaline rush, filled with hard work and incessant excitement, challenges that had his blood boiling and dreams that he put his sweat and blood into achieving.  
  
A past filled with chaotic beauty and the glowing faces of fifteen brothers, bonded by love as strong as blood, floating on a sapphire blue sea.  
  
A past he put behind him for good, which he had decided had no place in his present or future.  
  
Only, the past has now literally come knocking on his front door and Kyuhyun is afraid - so afraid - of falling into that void again. He cannot go back to that, he thinks to himself as he grimly sets about to work out what is wrong with Ms Managing Director's computer. He cannot go back to what he had, of his own free will, chosen to leave behind for good.   
  
There had been reasons, solid reasons, as to why he had made the decisions that he did. But Kyuhyun is finding it a tad difficult to recall exactly what those reasons were when his mind is too busy conjuring up that image he left behind as he drove away this morning...  
  
Jongwoon - that one man he had not expected to meet again - craddling his daughter, his happy smiling daughter, in his arms and the both of them waving goodbye to him and that moment had looked so surreal and yet so beautiful, so perfect, filling his heart with warmth and longing and an ache that was too familiar but so frightening -   
  
_We'll be waiting, Kyu._  
  
The computer switches on the moment Kyuhyun plugs in its power socket. He straightens up, ignoring the very sour look of burning shame Ms Managing Director is wearing lest he ends up making a snarky comment about her utter lack of _common sense_. Getting fired is not going to land a single father in a good position, he has to remind himself.   
  
The rest of the work day passes peacefully for the most part. He gets called for some help here and there, but it turns out to be one of those freer days for Kyuhyun. He is usually happy on such days, but not this time. Leaving his mind idle is only taking him back to thoughts of the uninvited guest in his house, and trying not to think about  _that_  is leading his thoughts down a more dangerous path still ... to memories long buried, whispers long silenced, feelings long suppressed, promises long broken...  
  
With a groan, Kyuhyun folds his arms on his desk and buries his face in them, giving up on trying to distract himself.  
  
_Damn Jongwoon._  
  
Damn him for coming back into Kyuhyun's life. Damn him for bringing back unwanted memories. And damn him for the race in Kyuhyun's pulse, the quickening of his breath, and the stirring of errant feelings rekindling in his heart again...  
  


~***~  
  


It had not exactly been something Kyuhyun could have seen coming, their relationship.  
  
If it could have even been called a relationship. To this day, Kyuhyun is still not sure what it really had been between them. It had just ... happened. He had let it happen.   
  
He had made it happen.   
  
It had all seemed so normal in the beginning. Just a hyung and dongsaeng - two colleagues, two brothers, two friends. And such  _friends_  they had been! It had surprised Kyuhyun even, what with the shaky beginning of their acquaintance, not to mention their age gap. Four years had seemed so significant a distance between them. And yet, not really.   
  
As the weeks turned into months and months into years, Kyuhyun had felt the changes in the tide as they overcame the differences between them; the age barrier, the misunderstandings and the hesitation. Their shared talents, which had seemed to promise a battlefield for rivalry at first, had made the transition into a common ground for the both of them - to bond, to appreciate, to assist and lead each other further down the road towards success. Together.   
  
Kyuhyun had been glad for the direction their relationship had taken. To have a hyung whose talent was on par with his - if not surpassing - helping him hone his own skills had been a blessing in its own right, but ... Kyuhyun had also found something more in Jongwoon.   
  
He had called it friendship.   
  
And maybe, at first, it really had been.  
  
In Jongwoon he had found a willing ear to listen to him when he was troubled, a strong shoulder to lean on when he was down, and gentle hands to steady him when he reached his limits. He had drawn strength from the advice Jongwoon gave many a day, and he had dispelled his weaknesses into the cocoon of Jongwoon's warm arms many a night. He had sought assurance in Jongwoon's sure smiles and solace in the firm grip of his hand. He had looked to Jongwoon to give him the certainty that, in the early days, he often could not give himself.  
  
And he had called it friendship.  
  
He had experienced every feeling and emotion in Jongwoon's company. From their shared anxiety and fears for their future, to the ever strengthening hope and belief that everything would work out; from the cracking anger that sparked when their wills clashed, to the soothing balm of relief upon working out their problems; from the grief and pain that would never stop hounding a celebrity's life, to the boundless joy and happiness that tailed triumph ... Kyuhyun had felt everything with Jongwoon, had embarked on a journey of emotion with him, shared his life with him to an extent perhaps even Kyuhyun had not realised.  
  
And he had called it friendship.  
  
Perhaps, at some point, things really had been that innocent. Or maybe they never had been.   
  
He had only known, slowly over the years, that what he had with Jongwoon was unlike anything he had shared with another. To an outsider's eye, perhaps that would have been difficult to pick out. After all, apart from the unseen emotional connection he had with Jongwoon, their usual dalliances outside of work did nothing to raise eyebrows. Enjoying a meal together, a spontaneous shopping break, treating the other to a drink, just hanging out - all accompanied by the easy camaraderie of two people who are too used to teasing each other and the light nonchalant touches that indicate their mutual affection ... just natural excursions between friends.  
  
To an outsider's eye, all they could perceive was the superficial. Kyuhyun, though ... he had felt the difference. There was a resonance in the air between him and Jongwoon that did not exist with anyone else. A tug, an insubstantial pull that drew him to Jongwoon in ways he could not define. Others could not see it but he felt the content he received purely from Jongwoon's company, talking together, laughing together. He felt the lightness in his heart when he saw Jongwoon's smile, receiving joy from the simple reason that Jongwoon was happy. And he felt the unfamiliar thrumming of an erratic energy that coursed through his body when Jongwoon touched him sometimes, his fingers light and lingering on his skin.  
  
Kyuhyun had lain awake some nights, trying to decipher it all. To figure out the tremor in the air that sang between them, that he felt with no one else. Perhaps he had known the answer all along, but had shied away from it, not yet ready to face the enormity of all. Or perhaps he had just tried too hard that he aimed for the moon but landed in the empty vastness of space instead. Whatever the case, the answer had evaded him for longer than Kyuhyun cared to admit, and it only began to dawn on him when he finally came to realise that ... maybe, he was not alone in this.   
  
He could not have said what gave him the clue. Perhaps he had begun to realise that Jongwoon's touches with him had grown more intimate, lasted longer. Or he had noticed the unsettling tenderness in the other's warm brown eyes, the dilation of his pupils, when he looked at Kyuhyun. Or how it started to seem like Jongwoon had started seeking Kyuhyun's company more than he did others'. Maybe it was all of it together, but Kyuhyun did notice at last, and he could not have said which he felt more strongly:  
  
The pure relief that the strange feelings he had been experiencing were not something he had to face alone, or the shocked skip of his heartbeat at the realisation of exactly what those feelings were ... and that Jongwoon probably felt them for Kyuhyun as well.  
  
An epiphany like that, it is not something you handle recklessly. Kyuhyun had been overwhelmed; with both his own feelings and the inkling that they were returned. He had treaded with caution, tentatively reaching out to Jongwoon and observing how his approaches were received. Jongwoon had not shied away; not from the looks Kyuhyun gave him nor from his timid touches. He allowed them, allowed Kyuhyun to look, to touch, from fleeting grazes to something more lingering ... and he hesitantly returned them.   
  
Kyuhyun had felt the heat in his blood when Jongwoon gave him those looks, the gentle gaze that poorly veiled the intensity in his eyes, the focus. It pierced through him, making him feel bare and exposed under Jongwoon's stare. In contrast, he had felt his heart soar when Jongwoon's gaze gave way to his smiles, the sweet caring ones that brought him comfort, and assured him he was safe and loved. And then Kyuhyun would feel the knotting in his guts whenever Jongwoon touched him without necessity - the soft brushing of fingers to push back his hair, the soft caress of knuckles against his face for no reason other than affection, or briefly taking his hand in public in discreet yet flippant manners that belied the intimacy it provoked between them ... he had ended up craving it, Jongwoon's touch.   
  
And that, Kyuhyun would later think, was one of the greater factors that had lead to that particular night in Jongwoon's room, when they had been sprawled on his bed. It had been a common enough thing from long ago, even before Kyuhyun had grown aware of his feelings - Jongwoon and Kyuhyun just lazing together on a bed, staying up the whole night talking about nothing and everything simply because the company of the other was so much more preferable to the oblivion of sleep. There had been nothing out of the ordinary that night, just the soft lilt of their quiet voices adding to the beating march of the wall clock.   
  
Then Jongwoon had turned to him, cracking some lame joke Kyuhyun would never again remember, and his soft laughter had sent his warm breath washing over Kyuhyun's face and blowing back a strand of his hair. There was nothing special about it, just the quick whiff of Jongwoon's minty toothpaste, but the proximity of their faces had frozen Kyuhyun and he had just stared at the other, stared until Jongwoon calmed down and became aware of the subtle change in the air. Kyuhyun had watched how Jongwoon's cheeks had flushed a flattering pink, how his eyes widened only fractionally but his pupils were blown wide, how he tried to hide the little hitch in his breath ... and then he had just acted.  
  
Jongwoon had been leaning against two plush pillows, leaving him in an odd half-sitting position, and Kyuhyun had simply rolled over from his back towards Jongwoon so that he ended up nearly lying on top of him. He rested his chin on Jongwoon's chest, earnestly looking up at his lidded eyes as he tentatively ran his palms up Jongwoon's sides over his thin tee shirt until they halted on either side of his ribs. Jongwoon said nothing, did nothing, just watched him. Biting his lip, Kyuhyun slowly stretched his bowed legs so that his lower body was more in contact with Jongwoon's; the moment Kyuhyun's hips rested their full weight on Jongwoon's, he saw something flicker in Jongwoon's eyes.  
  
Kyuhyun had paused for just a moment. Nearly all doubt had fled his mind, but still ... he wanted to be absolutely sure. Eyes on Jongwoon's, he splayed his fingers and dug a little tighter into his sides. With the same movement, he rocked his left leg against Jongwoon, the one that lay right between Jongwoon's legs. The response was immediate. A hitch of breath, his eyes darken, and the resonance in the air between them sang.  
  
That was when Kyuhyun had known with utmost certainty that Jongwoon felt it too. He felt the same tug Kyuhyun felt, that same weight which hung between them, threatening to drag them down until they drowned; drowned in each other, with each other. And Kyuhyun wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to. Now that he knew Jongwoon desired him with the same intensity that Kyuhyun felt for him...  
  
There had been no thought and no plan. Just primeval instinct.  
  
Kyuhyun had surged up, rubbing their torsos together and pressed his lips to Jongwoon's. Every fibre of his being seemed to tremble at the contact, in joyous harmony of finally reaching this endeavour that Kyuhyun had been thinking of, fantasising about, for far too long. Jongwoon's arm had gone around Kyuhyun, pressing them harder together; his other hand cupped the nape of his head, fingers caressing the skin there to elicit a shiver and Kyuhyun sighed into Jongwoon's mouth. Their lips had given way to each other and Kyuhyun couldn't help but moan as the kiss deepened with increasing passion, the heat between them building up, and he was delighted to hear Jongwoon whimper against him.   
  
His blood had seemed to pound in his ears, every beat of his heart a hammer stroke against his chest, and it all had felt so good. So right, that he never wanted to stop. Panting, he had drawn away for a moment, to look at Jongwoon's bright eyes, the high colour in his cheeks and the moist curve of his soft lips. Jongwoon's heart beat against his chest through the fabric of his clothes, wild and fierce just like his own, and Kyuhyun moved towards him again. He wanted to kiss him, touch him; wanted Jongwoon to kiss and touch him; for them to claim and brand each other -  
  
Jongwoon put up a finger, stopping Kyuhyun's lips an inch from his own. 'Wait, Kyuhyun-ah ... wait...'  
  
That was when Kyuhyun had seen, through the swirling passion and desire in his eyes, the first signs of anxiety, uncertainty ... and fear. Had they always been there, ever since these feelings had manifested, and Kyuhyun had simply been blind to them? Or had they come with the thought that gripped Jongwoon then, the one that gave him pause and made him reconsider what they were getting into?  
  
Whichever the case, Kyuhyun had not wanted to face them at that moment. He did not need to ask where that fear and uncertainty had come from; somewhere deep down, he had known. Always had. But if he stopped right then and actually thought about it, let Jongwoon voice it aloud, it all might have made too much sense and that was the last thing Kyuhyun had wanted then. He had not wanted to contemplate the obstacles that stood in his and Jongwoon's way; he had just wanted Jongwoon. Had made up his mind that he would have him, because Jongwoon wanted him too and it just felt _right_.  
  
'Don't,' Kyuhyun had whispered, pulling down Jongwoon's hand and interlacing their fingers together, but the other turned his head slightly when Kyuhyun sought his lips again.  
  
'I mean it, Kyuhyun,' Jongwoon breathed, shaking his head slightly. 'This is ... we should -'  
  
'I don't want to hear it.' Kyuhyun looked earnestly at him. 'All I know right now is what I feel for you and what I  _know_  you feel for me and that here, being with you like this, has never felt more right. And that's all I need to know.'  
  
Jongwoon had just looked at him, eyes shadowed. Kyuhyun wished that his words had driven away the darkness that had crept between them, but Jongwoon was no longer pushing him away and he took that as consent to touch him again. His heart soared once more when Jongwoon had, after a heartbeat, returned the kiss, making Kyuhyun gasp with pleasure as he slid his tongue against Kyuhyun's. The younger man had allowed the moment to consume him, to lose himself in the feelings. He forgot for the moment Jongwoon's hesitation and the repercussions this step in their relationship could have in the future.  
  
He forgot to consider how something that he thought was right could bring about so much wrong.  
  
For him, all that had existed in that moment was Jongwoon.  
  


~***~  
  


Kyuhyun is snapped out of his thoughts only when he realises the rest of his colleagues has started leaving. A startled glance at the clock reveals that it is past five in the afternoon. With a sigh, he gathers up his things and prepares to leave.  
  
The drive home from work seems so much shorter than going to work had been that morning. Or perhaps that is only the feeling brought about by his own psyche, his apprehension at facing the person in his house again. Kyuhyun remains seated in his car even long after he has parked, unwilling to go home. His thoughts are still plagued by the old memories that surfaced today at the office. He bites his lips, knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel.   
  
He has spent years trying to forget, trying to move on - and he has thought he succeeded. It unnerves him how vividly he still remembers those times, especially that moment in Jongwoon's bedroom. The first time he gave into his heart's desires, acting on an impulse he did not think through - and starting the bitter mess that followed. His heart clenches painfully; it has always been his fault. He is the one who initiated it, who dragged Jongwoon into it, and look where that took them.  
  
It hurts even more that he can remember that moment with such clarity. How, beneath the bitterness that now veils that memory, he can still recall the roiling emotions that emanated between them, the touch of Jongwoon's gentle hands on his skin, the taste of Jongwoon's warm mouth ... Many more kisses had followed, but Kyuhyun cannot recall them as vividly as that first one. A shiver runs down his back, an echo of the passion that had taken over him that night in Jongwoon's arms...  
  
Releasing a breath, Kyuhyun shakes himself a little, berating himself for lingering on the memory. It is in the past now, it no longer holds any consequences for him and continuing to think on it will bring nothing but unnecessary heartache. All Kyuhyun needs right now is to steel himself and get through the next few days with Jongwoon. Survive through that without bringing up the past and then Kyuhyun will be free to return to normalcy as soon as Jongwoon leaves again.  
  
Nodding to himself, he finally gets out of the car and strides up to his front door. He can do this, it will be easy, he reassures himself. After all, life is only as difficult as you make it.  
  
Kyuhyun realises he needs to reconsider that advice when the door opens before he even gets his keys out, and he is met with Jongwoon's brilliant smile. He freezes, staring at the kind brown eyes that gaze steadily into his own, and the joyful curve of his lips that is like a blinding radiance in the fading sunlight.   
  
With a tilt of his head, Jongwoon greets him, 'Welcome back, Kyu. We were waiting for you.'  
  
And Kyuhyun's heart - quiescent until today - jumps and comes alive in his chest, slowly starting to pound once more. His resolve quivers.   
  
He is in such deep trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a whole lot more to be revealed about their past relationship, but I can guarantee one thing right now: there is no M-Preg involved at any point of this fic.


	2. A Present With No Past

The smell of cooking food is about the last thing Kyuhyun would have expected upon coming home, but the mouthwatering aroma of frying chicken tickles his senses the moment he steps over the threshold. It hits him almost as hard as Jongwoon's welcoming smile had.

'I hope you don't mind my breaking into your cupboards,' says Jongwoon lightly, already making his way back to the kitchen. ‘After picking Jihyun up from the daycare, we decided to make dinner together.'

Whatever frog that has lodged in Kyuhyun's throat - from the moment Jongwoon opened the door a minute ago - seems to double in size as Kyuhyun follows him, almost in a daze and barely comprehending the other's words. He stops short at the kitchen doorway, eyes widening.

On the stove, chicken strips are sizzling on a saucepan and a thick sauce is bubbling in another. Meanwhile, standing on a stool by the sink is his daughter, washing rice with the combined solemnity and enthusiasm that only children are capable of. Jongwoon peeks over her shoulder and smiles.

'That's very good. Try to put a little more force into it ... a bit faster ... that's it. You learn fast, Jihyun.'

Breath hitching, Kyuhyun stares at how Jihyun's face lights up at the praise, at how she puts just a little more effort into her movements. He watches how Jongwoon steps back to allow her to attempt the task alone, how he goes back to the chicken and sauce on the stove but keeps an eye on Jihyun all the same. 

Kyuhyun watches it all and wonders what is making it so hard for him to breathe. The alien idea that Jongwoon can actually make edible meals ... or the easy camaraderie between him and the child beside him, as if they have spent a lifetime together doing what they are doing now.

His heart flutters and his heart aches and Kyuhyun wants nothing more than to turn around and run until he runs off the edge of the universe. Nothing more than to run into the arms of the two people in front of him.

Jihyun is so absorbed that she only notices her father when Jongwoon offhandedly points out his presence to her. Her face splits in a smile and she splatters water drops everywhere as she joyfully gestures for her father to come see what she is doing. 

'Look Appa, I'm helping Ahjussi! We're making rice together.'

Taking a breath, Kyuhyun lets his face relax. 'Only rice?' He says teasingly, coming up to her and ruffling her hair. 'Are you sure you won't complain about wanting side dishes?'

Jihyun makes a face. 'Ahjussi is making chicken. But look, I'm making  _rice_. Rice, Appa!' Her tone demanded her father to realise the import of her task. 

Jongwoon chuckles as he tips the chicken strips into the sauce. 'Jihyun did the most important work. A side dish is nothing without rice.'

At this, Kyuhyun receives the most pointed  _I told you so_  look he has ever seen on Jihyun's face yet. Not quite acknowledging Jongwoon, he grins down at his girl and pokes her cheek playfully. 'OK, OK, you win. Appa would starve without his Jihyun's rice. Jihyun has saved me.'

She shrieks as he tickles her, giggling. Laughing, Kyuhyun ends it with a hug and a kiss atop her head. In his peripheral vision, he is aware of Jongwoon looking at them. He clears his throat. 

'Let's get the rice in the cooker, shall we?'

He sheds his jacket and helps Jihyun to measure water onto the rice. As he works, he glances surreptitiously at Jongwoon, who has retrieved a bowl of sliced vegetables from the counter. Kyuhyun watches as he stirs them into the sauce, put the lid on and adjust the heat. With a satisfied smile, he steps back and catches Kyuhyun staring.

'What?'

'I ... it's nothing,' mumbles Kyuhyun, averting his eyes quickly. He masks his embarrassment by helping Jihyun to add salt and olive oil into the mixture of rice and water. At the end, he lets Jihyun switch on the rice cooker.

'There. Soon, you'll be the head chef of the house.' Kyuhyun gives her a wink. 

Jihyun laughs in delight, even more so when Jongwoon abruptly adds with a teasing grin, 'No doubt about that. You're already better than your father ever was.'

Kyuhyun's smile falters for half a second, his hands clenching. 

He gives Jihyun a gentle nudge towards the door. 'Go get cleaned up now. Dinner will be ready soon.'

The kitchen falls silent after she leaves. Wordlessly, Kyuhyun dons his kitchen gloves and begins to wash the dishes in the sink, ignoring Jongwoon who goes to check up on his chicken-whatever-it-is. They don't speak until Kyuhyun suddenly finds a small saucer shoved under his nose. The smell of its contents makes his mouth water as he gapes down at it, still holding a bowl and sponge under the tap.

'Tell me how it tastes.'

Kyuhyun blinks slowly at Jongwoon, unmoving. The older man holds the saucer a little closer to his lips.

'I need to know if I should add more salt or not.'

'Then you taste it,' said Kyuhyun coolly.

'I did,' says Jongwoon with a thoughtful little frown. 'But I'm not sure if the taste is exactly right or not. Once I made beef stew at the dorms and I thought it tasted fine, but everyone said I didn't add enough salt. Ryeowook told me I should probably get others to taste when I'm cooking and Hyukjae said -'

Kyuhyun cuts across him sharply, 'So, why are you asking me?'

Jongwoon stops.

'You said it yourself, I can't cook for shit. The hell do I know if it tastes right or not?'

Several tense seconds pass in silence, punctuated only by the sound of running water. Jongwoon peers at Kyuhyun, his face drawn and wary. 

'Is this about what I said earlier?' he asks carefully, lowering his hand a bit. 'Kyuhyun, I was only teasing. I didn't mean you can't cook now, I ... I just joked about how you couldn't before -'

It is all Kyuhyun can do to stop himself from knocking Jongwoon's hand and the saucer away. 'You can keep your jokes to yourself, hyung. I don't give a damn what I was like before or what happened before. All I care about is Jihyun and what I have now. There's no room in my life for anything else.'

He hates himself then, when his gut twists even as he spits those words out, and when his heart wrenches as Jongwoon steps back from him, looking as if he had been struck in the face. The perpetual warmth flickers out of his brown eyes and the turn of his amiable mouth hardens to stone.

Throat dry, Kyuhyun waits for Jongwoon to leave the kitchen, leave the house, leave him. A minute passes, then two, then ...

'Will you taste it anyway?' Jongwoon's tone is cool and his movement mechanical as he raises the saucer again. 'I promised Jihyun it would taste good.'

Right then, in that moment, Kyuhyun wishes more heartily than he has at any other point that Jongwoon had chosen to leave - because that would have been far less painful than hearing Jongwoon's cold voice and seeing his stony eyes.

 

~***~

 

Dinner is a cool affair.

Kyuhyun talks to Jihyun who animatedly tells him about what she did at the daycare and the new things she learned. Jongwoon talks to Jihyun who tells him her hobbies, her favourite food and her likes and dislikes. 

The adults never exchange a word.

Kyuhyun looks at Jihyun and smiles. He looks at Jongwoon and his heart drops. 

Jongwoon looks at Jihyun and laughs. He looks at nothing else.

His laughter mixes with Jihyun's chatter and lasts throughout dinner, ringing empty and hollow in Kyuhyun's ears.

 

~***~

 

Jihyun falls asleep easily that night, much to Kyuhyun's surprise. It is not that she has ever been a very loud or fussy child, even in infancy, but ever since their family boiled down to just two people, Jihyun has always taken a long time to go to sleep. It often requires Kyuhyun to sit by her bed, gently patting her hair or singing soft lullabies. 

Tonight, however, all during her bath and afterwards as she is getting dressed for bed, Jihyun tells him happily about the adventures she had with Jongwoon after he picked her up from day care. They had gone to the park and played ball, after which he had taken her to feed the pigeons that gathered at the small plaza close by. Even after coming home, they had played three rounds of hide-and-seek before Jongwoon suggested they surprise her father by making dinner. 

Kyuhyun listens to her silently, nodding and smiling at the right places while carefully keeping his feelings veiled. Her recapitulation of their day lasts until she is tucked into bed, at which point she finally concludes,

'Ahjussi is so nice, Appa! The birds like him, too. The pi - pig - pig -'

'Pigeons.'

'The pigeons! Yes, the pigeons flew to his hand! The pigeons like him. I like him too,' she decides matter-of-factly, much like how she had declared the previous night. 

The only complaint Jihyun had voiced while in the bath was that Jongwoon had refused her ice cream on the way home. Kyuhyun had chuckled and jumped at the opportunity to emphasise the importance of not spoiling her appetite with sweets. Jihyun had pouted at him, but soon became distracted with even more praise for her ahjussi.

Finally, apparently tired from her fun day out, Jihyun falls asleep within five minutes after being tucked in. Kyuhyun stays back a minute, studying the hint of smile on her sleeping face, and then leaves the room.

In the hallway, almost without conscious control, his steps come to a staggering halt in front of the guest room door. Kyuhyun gazes at it, feeling his heart pounding out a frantic beat in the deafening silence. His fingers twitch as he thinks about the person on the other side of that door, imagining Jongwoon sprawled on the bed. One leg bent at the knee, an arm under his head and the other resting on his stomach, his index finger tapping out the rhythmic ticks of the wall clock while he gazed blankly at the ceiling as he was wont to do on his insomniac nights...

Jongwoon's face flashes across his mind, the cold eyes and the hard turn of his mouth after what Kyuhyun had said-

He tears himself away from the memory, from the door, from Jongwoon. He hurries to his room, seeking protection from the warmth of his bed and the sweet oblivion of sleep, but the sheets feel cold against his skin and the darkness is heavy, pressing down to suffocate him. 

When sleep comes, it comes with vengeance. 

 

~***~

 

The first time they had kissed had been in Jongwoon's bedroom at the dorms. Past midnight in a dorm full of fellow sleeping members - any of whom who could have woken up and left their rooms at that time - the risk had been a dark ominous cloud hanging over them, even as Kyuhyun had pressed their lips harder together and Jongwoon wrapped him in his arms. Despite Jongwoon's initial hesitance and his worries, which Kyuhyun had not allowed him to voice, they still gave into the mutual desire of their own hearts.

Kyuhyun could not have said how far they might have gone that night. What had started out as a kiss to express his feelings for Jongwoon - a kiss of confession - had grown deeper, fevered and hungry. Emotions he had hardly dared acknowledge before came spilling out. It was not enough that they accepted their feelings for each other... 

He wanted all of Jongwoon. He wanted him in every way he could be had. And he - the thought had made him tremble - he wanted Jongwoon to claim all of him. He wanted Jongwoon to want him, Jongwoon to go crazy with the heat in his blood when Kyuhyun touched him ... the same way Kyuhyun did at Jongwoon's touch.

He was gasping when Jongwoon pulled away, breathing just as hard. His eyes were dark, but concern shone through.

'Kyuhyun? Are you OK? We ... we can stop...'

The last word was anathema to Kyuhyun's ears. 'No,' he said fervently, winding his fingers through Jongwoon's long hair. 'Don't - don't stop.'

He kissed him again, and again, and again, each kiss more passionate than the last. They were both kneeling on the bed by then, holding each other. As Jongwoon ran his palms up and down Kyuhyun's sides in soothing caresses, Kyuhyun daringly slid a hand under Jongwoon's shirt and traced the warm skin of his back. 

Jongwoon caught his breath audibly and Kyuhyun stilled. 

Trembling at the thought of rejection, he tentatively pressed his tongue into Jongwoon's mouth. A moment of uncertainty later Jongwoon caught his tongue between his teeth and lightly sucked on it, making Kyuhyun whimper in both pleasure and relief at the given consent. 

As Jongwoon deepened the kiss, Kyuhyun slid his hand up Jongwoon's back, feeling the older man shiver as he fingered his spine and traced his sharp shoulder blades. He brought his hand around to the front, dragging over Jongwoon's skin, to rest on his chest to feel his beating heart.

'Hyung,' Kyuhyun whispered shakily, pulling away so their lips were barely touching. 'Jongwoon hyung, I...' 

His voice trailed off as Jongwoon leaned around and pressed his lips just under Kyuhyun's ear, raising gooseflesh down his arms and neck.

The strength almost went out of him as Jongwoon marked Kyuhyun's skin, sucking and biting a reddening trail down his neck, branding Kyuhyun just as he had wanted him to. Kyuhyun buried his head in Jongwoon's shoulder. He bit his lips against the desire to moan at being touched the way he had dreamed of Jongwoon touching him, at realising that Jongwoon did want him the way Kyuhyun wished. 

The hand he left on Jongwoon's chest was quivering with the intensity of his emotions. He brought it down slowly, splaying his fingers to feel the play of muscles under his skin. Jongwoon nipped at the junction between his neck and shoulder as Kyuhyun mapped his abs with his fingers, tracing his hip bone lightly and brought his hand lower still...

He hesitated for just a second as his fingers came to rest on the waistband of Jongwoon's pants. But Jongwoon's arms were still tight around him and his mouth was on his skin and Kyuhyun decided - taking a breath, he slid his palm down and pressed against the front of Jongwoon's pants. 

It stung when Jongwoon pulled away from his neck, when his arms came off him, when his fingers gripped Kyuhyun's wrist so he could do nothing further. It stung even more to see the look in Jongwoon's wide eyes, not repulsion, but conflict bordering on shock.

'Kyuhyun, I ... you ...' Jongwoon trailed off, biting his lip. 

'Do you not want me?' In some corner of his mind, even Kyuhyun was startled by the question he had never quite intended to voice aloud.

The bluntness left Jongwoon staring at him, his cheeks flushed. 'That ... that's not it, Kyuhy-'

'Because I want you.' He had come this far, he might as well see it through. 'This right now ... it - it's not something I started doing on a whim. It's not a onetime thing for me; I meant what I said about how I feel for you...'

'Kyuhyun,' said Jongwoon softly. 'I know. I do know. And it's not a whim for me, either. It's been ... building up for a long time, but -'

'You don't want me that way?' 

'It's not that. It's just ...' Jongwoon shook his head. 'It's not a small step, going that far.'

Kyuhyun swallowed. 'Hyung.'

'Go slow, you know? Let's not rush things.'

Biting his lip, Kyuhyun looked uncertainly at Jongwoon. 'As far as a relationship goes, we already know everything about each other. You're closer to me than anyone else. The only thing left, really, is the ... er, physical part.' He blushed a little, to be saying it out loud.

Thankfully, his remark made Jongwoon laugh, despite his own reddening face. 'I'm not arguing with that, but even the  _physical part_  doesn't have to be rushed. We can get to it down the road, without pressure or fear or burden, when it's right ...'

When Kyuhyun remained quiet, Jongwoon looked him in the eye and said quietly, 'I want you, Kyuhyun. More than you realise. But I don't want us to be like this, reckless and careless. I don't want to hurt each other. It's dangerous.'

The last remark drove the realisation home. 'You're afraid, aren't you? About getting caught and ... everything else.'

'I wish I didn't have to think about it, same as you, Kyuhyun ... but we can't afford to forget. We're still Super Junior. If this gets out, it's not only us that will be affected, but our members as well. The agency, the fans, but our members most of all. They're our family ... we can't do that to them.'

The truth was hard to hear, but Kyuhyun had to hear it. Accept it. Mouth dry, he nodded. 'So, what do we do?'

Jongwoon bit his lip again. 'Take it slow. Keep it hidden. No one can find out.'

A few words, but Kyuhyun felt the weight behind them. Yesung and Kyuhyun, they could never be. Not in public, at least. Not even in front of their friends. Not if they wanted Super Junior to survive.

'But ...' began Kyuhyun quietly. 

'But?'

'Between us ... just between us, can I not hide it?'

Their eyes met and Jongwoon smiled at him, weaving their fingers together. In the tenuous safety behind his closed bedroom door, he took Kyuhyun in his arms again and kissed him, a kiss that calmed the wild fires of their previous passion to languid glowing embers. He pressed Kyuhyun down into the mattress and kissed him until Kyuhyun sighed against his lips, calm and content. 

They drifted off to sleep lying against each other, sharing the same pillow.

 

~***~

 

Consciousness comes to him with all the force of a bullet train. Kyuhyun shoots up in bed, gasping and drenched in sweat. It is still dark inside his room, the only light being the faint glow of the street lamp filtering through his windows. Looking wildly around, his eyes land on the wall clock.

He has barely slept two hours. 

Shivering, Kyuhyun pushes the blanket off and draws his legs up, resting his elbows on his knees and closing his eyes. His heart continues to hammer its wild beat against his chest. Behind his eyelids, the images from his dream dance and taunt him.

Kyuhyun releases an involuntary shudder. It has been years since Jongwoon has last tormented him in his dreams.

He clenches his fists, remembering the touch of lips on his own, the heat of breath warming his neck. The dream has brought back old memories, bittersweet in their familiarity, in a turbulent clash of pleasure and aches. Kyuhyun allows himself a moment of indulgence, trying to call back what that forbidden intimacy had felt like, being able to fall into the oblivion that was Jongwoon's embrace and forget the dangers lurking just outside their cocoon of safety...

... until he abruptly recalls the instant his dream had turned from bliss to anguish. When Jongwoon had drawn back to look him in the face and Kyuhyun had seen Jongwoon's eyes, alight and burning with a frigid anger, while his mouth - that has always carried a smile for him - twisted in an ugly grimace full of accusation and the pain of betrayal ...

And then the emotions on Jongwoon's face had simply faded in the blink of an eye. Expressionless, he had hovered over Kyuhyun, eyes stony and mouth hard - the way he had looked when Kyuhyun had spat those harsh words at him earlier - and Jongwoon had leaned down and kissed him with that hard mouth.

It had burned him. It had frozen him. Kyuhyun had screamed inside his head with the agony of it and still Jongwoon had kissed him, his eyes glaring down at Kyuhyun, cold and accusing.

Waking up seems to have had little effect on bringing him out of his dream. The images are vivid and he is still shivering.

It is a solid fifteen minutes before Kyuhyun can get himself out of bed, his movements unsteady. Going back to sleep is out of the question. His sheets feel colder than ever and, for the first time in almost a year, he finds himself wishing that he had someone's warmth to wake up to. 

A memory flashes across his mind. Miran and her gentle eyes, with her dark hair fanned out across the pillow as she lay beside him, smiling at him in the morning light. Her presence had grown to be his greatest comfort during the early days when he had been battling with his overwhelming guilt ... and even much later, when he would wake up from painful dreams - dreams of someone he could never have.

On those nights, she had been there to warm his bed and soothe his heart, her open arms promising love and no judgement. Kyuhyun had tried to repay that; he had tried to convince himself that it was all that he wanted, to have Miran beside him always. 

He had not fooled anyone. Not himself, not Miran. 

He does not fool himself now. There has only ever been one person he truly wanted beside him, but acknowledging it can change nothing. Not then, not now. It is a future he has long chosen to give up.

On silent feet, he leaves the room and pads towards the kitchen, thinking of preparing some hot tea to calm his nerves. The cold seems to have soaked into his very bones and he wonders how many cups it will take to chase it away. 

At the foot of the stairs. Kyuhyun pauses. Down the hallway, the kitchen door is ajar and a shaft of light is spilling out, blinding in the darkness. His last thought is _please let it be Jihyun come down to drink water_  before he strides forward to push the door open. 

When he is met with Jongwoon's brown eyes, Kyuhyun is not the least bit surprised. Over the past twenty four hours, it has become clear that his torment will not be over so easily.

 

~***~

 

Neither of them speaks at first. 

Jongwoon is seated at the kitchen counter, a can of cider open in front of him, his eyes sharp and very much awake. Kyuhyun avoids his gaze and proceeds to make that cup of tea, though now he highly doubts that any amount of it can soothe his soul.

It is a suffocating kind of quiet; one that Kyuhyun is quite acquainted with but has no desire to drag out. As soon as the teabag is in the mug of hot water, he makes to walk out. He has not taken three steps before Jongwoon's low voice cuts through the tense silence,

'I couldn't find a single bottle of soju.'

In spite of himself, Kyuhyun stops, lingering at the counter opposite Jongwoon. 'I don't drink alcohol. Not anymore.'

'Not even wine?' Jongwoon raises his eyebrows. 

'No. Not since...' Kyuhyun cuts himself off just in time. Discomfited, he looks down at his feet, aware of the flush on his cheeks. 

'Not since when?'

'Never mind.'

To his credit, Jongwoon does not pursue the topic. Instead, he takes a swig of cider and nods at the counter between them. 'Why don't you sit down? Drink - for lack of a better term - with me a bit...'

'I was off to sleep.'

'Right, you look like you got about as much sleep as I did,' retorts Jongwoon. 

Kyuhyun glares at him and Jongwoon looks back unflinching. With an unhappy grimace, Kyuhyun places his mug on the counter top and draws up a chair. The next minute passes in silence again, both of them sipping at their drinks, Jongwoon gazing at Kyuhyun and the latter frowning at his mug.

'Did you really mean it?'

'What?' Kyuhyun looks up warily.

'What you said. Does it all really mean nothing to you anymore?'

Kyuhyun looks away, saying nothing.

Jongwoon leans forward, his eyes searching. 'I'm not talking about just you and me. I'm talking about everything. We were a family, Kyuhyun, we were Super Junior ... we tried so hard, we worked together, we loved each other and we promised - '

'Hyung,' says Kyuhyun tightly. 'Just stop.'

'Everything we did, everything we worked for ... all of it just amounts to  _nothing_  for you?'

'I said to stop. I don't want to hear it.'

Jongwoon's fists are clenched now and trembling slightly. 'I can't believe that. I won't. You made your choice, yes, but I won't believe you don't care about anything that happened in the past.'

Kyuhyun shoves his mug away, spilling hot tea down the sides. 'The past is just that for me, hyung! The past! It’s over and done with. The only thing that matters is the  _now_  and that's it. I can't move on if all I do is look back on everything I did wrong in my life! I refuse to do that.'

The shadow that falls across Jongwoon's face makes Kyuhyun's stomach turn over. 'Was Super Junior everything you did wrong in your life?'

His jaw slackens and, for a minute, Kyuhyun cannot speak.

Jongwoon swallows and casts his gaze down, hiding his eyes. 'We ... we still care, Kyuhyun. The members ... they still care about you. They wonder how you're doing, if you're healthy and living well, and how your daughter is doing...'

Throat tight, Kyuhyun responds stiffly, 'Well, you can tell them then, when you go back.'

'They would like to see you...'

Kyuhyun sighs. 'Are we done talking now?'

Jongwoon looks up, frowning. 'Will you really not talk about it? About what happened?'

'Hyung.'

'Why -'

'There's no use in talking about it.'

'Can you really say that?' asks Jongwoon lowly, eyes hardening. 'You left without explanation, without a word to me, Kyuhyun. After everything that happened between us, you just upped and -'

'Jongwoon hyung,' Kyuhyun cuts across him sharply, 'There's nothing I have to say about anything that happened between us both. Just drop it.'

'Right ... because we were  _nothing_ , isn't that right? I meant nothing to you.'

His accusing words finally push Kyuhyun's patience over the edge. His voice rises in warning. 'You told me last night that you came here without an ulterior motive, hyung. If that's not the case, you can leave my house right now.'

Jongwoon falls quiet, nostrils flared and eyes burning with a myriad of emotions. Inhaling, Kyuhyun looks away, willing himself to calm down again.

The tension that follows is so thick that Kyuhyun wishes for nothing more than to retreat back into his bedroom, away from Jongwoon and his unwelcome questions. Yet, his legs are frozen and uncooperative, and Kyuhyun remains where he is, listening to the sound of Jongwoon breathing and the ticking of the kitchen clock. The latter seems to echo in the silence, ringing through his very veins.

Unbidden then comes a memory to Kyuhyun which colours his face even redder. The memory of another night like this, where the only sounds had been the beat of the wall clock and Jongwoon's soft breaths. However, that time the silence had not been strained, but suffused with desire. That time had not been marked with cold words, but their first touch of each other.

To his frustration and anger, Kyuhyun feels his eyes prickling and he curses his body for this betrayal. 

Eventually, Jongwoon ventures quietly, 'You're right, Kyuhyun ... I'm under your roof. I'll stop talking about Super Junior and everything else in the past, if it bothers you so.'

Kyuhyun remains silent, blinking his eyes dry.

'I won't ask about your wife, either -'

'She's not my wife,' says Kyuhyun abruptly. He inhales sharply, wondering where the drive to clarify that detail sprang from. 

When Jongwoon blinks at him, he continues hesitantly, 'You must have heard the rumours. Though I was no longer a celebrity, there were still some articles.' _And more hate comments. Again._

'I ... yes, I heard about it. That you were divorced ... but I was sick of rumours and I didn't want to believe just anything.'

Kyuhyun gives a small shrug. 'The rumours were right that time.'

Jongwoon looks carefully at him. 'I did wonder yesterday why it was just you and Jihyun ... When did you divorce?'

'Does it matter? It's over now.'

His hyung remains quiet for so long that Kyuhyun fidgets slightly, wondering if now was a good time to go back to his room. There are no wisps of steam rising from his mug anymore.

At long last, 'Would you tell me her name, at least?'

The refusal is on the tip of Kyuhyun's tongue when Jongwoon adds very softly, 'Or is she a thing of the past as well?'

The question, both a statement and an accusation, pierces right through him and Kyuhyun stops breathing for a few seconds. Jongwoon looks at him, curious but guarded.

Kyuhyun exhales slowly, thinking of the years - few though they had been - he had spent with her by his side. Their journey had begun as a mistake as well, one they had both been equally guilty of, but they had chosen that path together. At the altar, he had recited his vows to her; vows to do right by her, to protect her, and love her. Every day after, he had worked hard to keep his vows. And she ... she had worked even harder. She had made up for his shortcomings as well, even knowing where his heart lay...

He owes her her name. He owes her that much at least.

'Miran.' His voice comes out barely more than a whisper. 'Her name is Park Miran.'

Jongwoon gives a small nod. 'Thank you. For telling me.' 

'Don't ask me anymore, hyung,' Kyuhyun says quietly. 'I don't want to dig up anything else.'

His hyung nods again, crossing his arms on the countertop. 'I won't. Only the present, right?'

'Yes,' replies Kyuhyun tersely. 'What I have in my life right now is all I can afford to focus on.'

'And what do you have in your life right now?'

'Jihyun.'

'Only Jihyun?'

Kyuhyun frowns. 'What else?'

Jongwoon gives him the strangest look then, his eyes glinting and his lips twitched up in what is almost a smile, but not quite. 

'Right now, under your roof, right here in front of you ... you have me, Kyuhyun. What are you going to do about that?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will hopefully take less time than this one did. I really love writing this fic, it gives me the opportunity to explore different sides of Kyuhyun's character ^^  
> As always, feedback and constructive criticism are highly appreciated :)


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